Tuesday, 9 June 2009
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
(Creep by Radiohead- One of the best songs ever)
Pink is a the girlie colour. When my daughter was born, we decided we were not going to dress her up like one of those precious princess types, and we were not going to buy everything pink for her. Our little girl is going to be cool- husband announced proudly. We bought her yellow bedding and her sleep suits were white. However, she is almost 4 soon and of course, pink is her favourite colour. Whether we wanted it to happen or not.
I was asking some girlfriends yesterday: what makes some people so damn popular? We were talking about a friend of ours, and I am concerned they might have misunderstood me. I wasn’t trying to bitch about her, or say that she was not worth liking. I mean, I myself was immediately besotted when we first met, and kept stalking the poor woman until she gave in and started hanging out with me. What I was trying to say is: how come some people are simply liked by everybody who meets them? And everyone wants to be their friend?
Somebody laughed and said it was probably her blond hair. Or the friendliness she exudes. Damn! No hope for me then, from any angle.
What I thought was even more fascinating is that her little daughter is becoming most popular amongst all her mates too. Yes, she has blond hair too.
Not long ago, my girl bit this popular friend of hers (a daughter of my popular friend) at school. I have a very well mannered little girl. She does not normally bite. So, I was concerned. When confronted, my daughter told me that the girl was her best friend but had refused to sit next to her at school.
-My child is fickle! - My popular friend laughed.
Yes- I thought -a bit like you. And not in a bad way. But like a pretty social butterfly. Popular, charming, and without deep emotional attachments to anyone in particular. And sadly, my daughter is obviously so much like me. Getting emotionally attached and therefore, vulnerable. Genes, eh.
Honestly? I am a little bit jealous. It might be childish and silly, but I am.
I have never had this charming aura about me that would make everyone chase me to become my friend, invite me over for lunch all the time, and buy me gifts to get my attention. I had never been that popular amongst women. Men, maybe. But not women.
And yet, women are extremely important to me. OK, I might honestly think that 79.8% of them are boring, stupid cows. But I do want the other 20.2% to like me.
Husband can’t stand it when I sulk about some girlfriend- what she had done or said, and complain that she did not sit next to me at school or hold my hand…. you know, girls at the playground kind of stuff. But I have to complain anyway, what else can I do? I can’t bite them like my daughter did.
And I am not just jealous that some people are always popular and don’t even have to make any effort. What I am actually more jealous of, is the fact that they seem not to care about stuff like that. I bet this friend of mine had never allowed any girlfriend to hurt her.
Friendships change as we grow older. I look back at my very first best friends, and think how similar my feelings towards them were to being in love. The only difference was that I did not want to have sex with them. Other than that, pretty much the same: The jealousy, the attraction, the emotional roller coaster…
I used to fall in love with my best friends.
But as they either moved away, forgot or hurt me (oh, so much!) more than any boyfriend ever managed to…I guess, I have changed. These days, I don’t have one best friend. I have a few very good girlfriends, some all right ones…a few social acquaintances, and a few people I just like to occasionally spend some time with.
And the rest 79.8% who I bet would love to be my friends.